Hello people, its been a little while again.
I've managed to raise £20 for www.niemann-pick.org.uk/ but I'm not doing any more charity auctions for a little while, thank you for your help!
My heads been all over the place the last few weeks or so. I have so many ideas, crafts, drawings and digital paintings on the go but not one of them are going the way I'd like. Basically I have all these ideas that I just can't implement properly, its been frustrating. This does tend to happen sometimes, as my depression makes me want to give up (I won't) and the anxiety makes me extremely worried that I'll fail. But, I also have a lot of things I've finished. I'm just a bit worried about photo quality and spamming with pics of clay gardens, creatures and such.
On another note I have another hospital visit coming up (yay :/). I mentioned to a few of you last year that I had found a lump and had to have tests and such. Everything worked out fine, it was just a lot of stress and pain. Well, I have another one. In the same place. Which means I might have to have another needle and maybe more tests. Its also quite painful as its the same place as I had my biopsy last year. So ladies and gentlemen, remember to check yourself regularly. I know its not breast cancer awareness month anymore, but that doesn't mean you should not be aware. (and yes, breast cancer affects both men and women, so always tell your doctor any changes regardless of your gender). I feel like I should write this as I've been (and am currently going) through it, any changes does not immediately mean you have cancer. You could have another issue (like me).
Also an old face in my life just forced me to have a difficult conversation with my son. To put it into perspective, there was this guy in school that was... unnerving, who I dated for a week or two. I dated him because all my friends told me I was weird for not being interested in boys and my family telling me I was just a late bloomer. I was unhappy in all my past relationships, becuase I have never, ever needed someone to validate my existence. To me, dating was like saying I only exist to breed. I'm only interesting as a person because one day I'll develop breasts. So this boy from school sexually assaulted me when we were 14. The only people I've told exactly what happened that day were my closest friends. He's always seemed off somehow. I saw him again today. When I'm walking with a man and he sees me he'll stay away. Today it was just me or my son. Because he has shown violent tendencies in the past its not so easy to slip away from him and to keep him from reacting in an unknown way I talked about old friends at school (yes, he was in my social circle. One of my favorite people is his sister). I was walking nans beagle, who decided he did not like this man and was on edge for a while. My son, being the sweet boy he is, inanely talked about Lego as I tried to keep space between us and this man. He said that he 'knew' i was happy when I was with him, that the reason my relationships don't work out is because I am not with him. When I told him that I'm not interested in a relationship (I find both men and women attractive, making me bisexual?? yet I do not want a relationship or sex, so I'm asexual??? I have no idea lol) he also blamed that on not being with him. Then asked my son if he'd like a brother or sister. My boy did not reply and I simply said he would not be getting one, that I'm not having more kids. All the while he kept taking little steps closer to us. I tried to keep him calm by asking about his brothers (one learnt some... bad behavior from him. The other was an awesome guy) He told my 8 year old son that he had threatened a good friend of mine for saying his handwriting was messy. In detail. Gory detail. When we got away from him, trying to keep my voice from shaking I told my son that I remembered that act of violence, but it was not for messy handwriting. It was because my good friend is gay and this guy attacked him because of that. My nan knows how much this guy freaks me out and asked why it took me so long to get back. Its very hard to explain to nan and my 8 year old son that I was scared this man would do something and put my son and myself at risk. I'm also pretty sure he didn't touch me because my son was there. In the past when I've seen him when on my own he immediately touches me. He freaked me out so much that during a charity fete our community association was holding I freaked out after he cornered me by a tree and I went home, when I'd got away from him. When I told the lady who ran it why she asked for a different group to come in his place (he was only there because he was a part of this group). Its not just me that is creeped out by him. He once told my awesome, amazing friend that she was only a lesbian becuase she hadn't been with the right man, then proceeded to touch her inappropriately. In fact I've heard a lot of stories like that about him. As I've said I only dated him for a short while and it was a very unpleasant experience. Contrary to whatever he thinks my first love happened when I was fifteen and lasted for nearly four years, we even got engaged. I still love that guy, but more in a long time friend way now lol. But my issues with relationships are because I do not want or need one.
I don't know. I'm just kinda stressed and anxious about it all. And suffering from mastalgia is not fun -.-